I’ve really been struggling to write this guest post for Patricia’s motherhood series. Truthfully I’ve re-written it a number of times and still can’t quite find the words to appropriately express my feelings about motherhood and what it means to me. I also can’t type more than a few words without crying. I cry when I think about how much my son means to me or about our struggle to become pregnant with a sibling for him. I cry when I think about all my friends who continue to have difficulty becoming pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. As much as motherhood is a beautiful blessing it can also be heart wrenching and emotionally exhausting when it doesn’t go as planned.
Here’s is a bit about my experience with motherhood…
I think I have always lived for big moments. It almost seems easier in a way. There is the prep and planning, the processing and deciding, and finally the climatic result of all your hard work. In one single day, it’s all over. There is a decidedly tangible feeling of accomplishment. You know that you have done something, and done it well.
When we decided to try for a child my first pregnancy test came back negative. I didn’t tell Eric at first due to fear that my worst nightmare was true; that I could not in fact get pregnant. Not even a week later, on a lazy Saturday morning, he made the comment about my eating habits that week and how tired I was. So as soon as he left for work I pulled out another pregnancy test and took my place on the porcelain throne.
There it was, two pink lines telling me I’m going to be a mom. I took a few more with Eric until I finally set up the appointment to confirm 100% I was carrying our child.