When we decided to try for a child my first pregnancy test came back negative. I didn’t tell Eric at first due to fear that my worst nightmare was true; that I could not in fact get pregnant. Not even a week later, on a lazy Saturday morning, he made the comment about my eating habits that week and how tired I was. So as soon as he left for work I pulled out another pregnancy test and took my place on the porcelain throne.
There it was, two pink lines telling me I’m going to be a mom. I took a few more with Eric until I finally set up the appointment to confirm 100% I was carrying our child.
My pregnancy was rather simple, not completely what I pictured. Eric worked long shifts and his days off I was working, so most of our baby planning was done solo. I had all day sickness for the first 4 months but found I could control it with a few simple diet changes and lots of water. Towards the end I hit that typical pregnancy mark; ready for our bundle of joy to come out so I could fit into clothes again and wanting him to stay in there forever so I could always protect him.
My delivery was something similar to my pregnancy. NOT what I pictured but we made due. My water broke at 1:30pm on Thursday afternoon and by Friday morning at 8:33 I was holding our son. I wanted immediate skin to skin contact after birth as long as there were no medical reasons not to, and once he was on my chest I felt a wave of emotions hit me. I cried and looked at Eric and our son and knew this was what I wanted.
My parents were there and helped us home from the hospital. They cooked, cleaned and helped fix things around our place that while pregnant I was unable to do. The first week was a breeze! Yes, I was tired and napped a lot but our baby nursed and slept and gained back his weight he lost in the hospital. Then the rose colored glasses finally came off.
Ashton wouldn’t sleep, and he wanted to be held hourly. He’d nurse then cry then nurse then cry and soon had his first diaper rash. The fairy tale ended. My perfect view of motherhood became hauntingly real. This is not what I thought motherhood was like.
Motherhood to me was my baby latching right after birth and breastfeeding being second nature to him. It was him nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping at night only to wake when he was hungry. It was a happy baby who never was fussy. It was the picture perfect baby I would see on magazines, Instagram and Facebook.
Motherhood is sleepless nights, and I mean SLEEPLESS nights. It’s crying when your baby wont latch and constant worry that your milk supply won’t last. Questioning if you are pumping enough times through the day or too much. Wondering if they’re getting enough milk when they do latch. Sore nipples. Watching them sleep when you know you should be sleeping but wondering if they’re too hot or too cold. It’s buying three different diaper creams trying to soothe his little bum. Fearing the soft spot. Googling every little thing you could think of thinking that something must be wrong.
I remember my first trip to the store with him and I couldn’t get his car seat to fit in the shopping cart. I almost had a meltdown. I was clearly a horrible mom because of this… I was a horrible mom because he threw up on himself in public, had a blowout in public, I nursed him in public, and basically anything I did in public I was sure I was doing it wrong.
Motherhood is something completely beautiful and amazing but if you’re not careful you can let it be ugly. You can let the fear of being a “bad mom” overwhelm you and isolate you until you lose yourself.
Motherhood is not what I thought it was but it’s absolutely what I want.
I’m a new mom and future step mom. I was in the corporate world for several years but now work from home and own a small shop, Moments of Chaos where we make jewelry and baby/toddler clothes and accessories. I’m from a small town of Idaho but now reside in sunny Arizona. I am on Instagram and run a blog www.spencerunlimited.com where you can follow along with me and my life. ——You can find my full bio there as well as a link to my shop.
Need to catch up on this series? Check out ‘Guest Posts’ for more!