The Real Reason Why I Don’t Watch the Oscars

The Oscar’s were on this weekend, and I didn’t watch them. I could have. Years ago I would have. But for the 7th year in a row I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it.

In fact, I forgot that Sunday was the 89th Academy Awards until I happened upon a photo of Janelle Monáe in her dazzling gown. In the past that would have been enough to draw me in, but not anymore.  

Instead I kept the T.V. off., did some random stuff around the house, and after about 10 minutes of scrolling on Facebook the next morning I got a pretty comprehensive recap of what I missed:

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Miscarried Away

*To my precious pregnant friends, or anyone else for whom miscarriage is a trigger, please refrain from reading this post if you have any inkling that it will upset you. I appreciate your love and support, and regardless of what I’m going through know that I rejoice with you.* 

Inevitable Miscarriage

As I signed my name at the bottom of the discharge paper, my eyes fixed on those two words. I held myself together long enough to make it to the doors, but as soon as the wind hit my face the tears came hard and heavy.

I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t process a thing.

I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.

It wasn’t a dream. It was my harsh, cruel, and excruciatingly painful reality. 

We had lost our baby and my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

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I Confess…I’m Angry That You Left Me

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6 years.

It’s been 6 years since I touched your skin or gazed upon your face. A face I’ve known from birth and one I can no longer see in real time. 

It’s been 6 years since you left, and while I can’t blame you for being ready to reside in your true heavenly home, sometimes I’m simply that little girl who misses her dad and I wish you were here with me.

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