I’m Angry That This Happened

I will never forget the exact moment when the process started. I was back-to-school shopping with my girls, looking for clothes for my up and coming kindergartner. In the midst of this milestone of an occasion, my heart started beating rapidly and I could no longer think straight. One quick trip to the bathroom and I was gripped with fear.

We finished shopping and made it out of the store in record timing. Once we were home I immediately locked myself in the bathroom and began to cry. That night was the worst. The cries turned into deep weeping and agonizing pain, as I begged and pleaded for an alternative explanation before the Lord. I knew that I had just experienced loss in January, but 5 years ago I had a similar scare and that child was heading to school in a matter of days. 

The praise and worship music blasted in our bedroom and the tears continued to pour out of my eyes. I tried to allow my faith to be bigger than my fear. I was determined to walk by faith and not by sight even though it seemed an impossible task as the bleeding continued. 

Over and over I said these words:

I declare that my baby is fine. I declare that my baby is fine. I declare that my baby is fine.

In Jesus’ Name.

Amen.

I held onto hope as much as I possibly could. I wavered and crumbled and picked myself up time and time again. Those 5 days were the longest. Finally it stopped. I felt a sense of relief but it didn’t last. So what did this mean? I needed confirmation.

Two negative tests and an ultrasound later, I think I heard my heart actually breaking. 

It happened again. I miscarried again. And I’m so angry about it. 

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We’re Stronger Together

You know that old adage. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Yeah, well, that’s kind of how I feel about 2016.

I completely understand that this whole calendar thing is man-made, and I know it means nothing in terms of reflecting the inner-workings of God and His ultimate time-table.

I totally get that.

Still, this year, these past 12 months, have been a doozy. Both personally and as a family.

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To the Ones Without Their Dad on Father’s Day

Dear Friend,

I know the feeling. 

So much joy mixed with a twinge (or stab) of pain. Father’s being hailed, honored and cherished, as they should be, and yet someone special is missing from your festivities.

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I Confess…I’m Angry That You Left Me

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6 years.

It’s been 6 years since I touched your skin or gazed upon your face. A face I’ve known from birth and one I can no longer see in real time. 

It’s been 6 years since you left, and while I can’t blame you for being ready to reside in your true heavenly home, sometimes I’m simply that little girl who misses her dad and I wish you were here with me.

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