It’s been 6 years since I touched your skin or gazed upon your face. A face I’ve known from birth and one I can no longer see in real time.
It’s been 6 years since you left, and while I can’t blame you for being ready to reside in your true heavenly home, sometimes I’m simply that little girl who misses her dad and I wish you were here with me.
My 28th birthday is one I will never forget. I had a phenomenal evening out with some of my closest friends, but once I was home for the night a bit of sadness set in.
You see, my father had been battling non-Hodgkins lymphoma for over a year, and at this point he was too weak to call me for my birthday. Every year, on Nov. 14th, he made me feel like the most special person in the world, but this time was different. This time he was fighting for his life.
Yesterday was frustrating. I’ve been teaching Bible Study the last couple months, and while I prepare throughout the week I spend most of the day on Wednesday completing my notes and getting spiritually and mentally ready for the evening. On these days I pray for focus, solid understanding, Holy Spirit wisdom, and for a cooperative baby (among other things). To my chagrin, Alexandra was not in agreement with my last request, and cries rang out all day.
I did my best to read between the lines (and tears). Whether it was for food, a diaper change, to be held, to be entertained, stared at, more food, whatever, I was hard pressed to get anything done. I couldn’t help but think of my friends who would chuckle and say ”welcome to mommyhood” or ”you might as well get used to this now”. True as these words may be, I was in no laughing mood. I was in desperate need of productivity, and the breaks in which I let her ”cry it out” only rattled my nerves more. Instead of having a meltdown, I tried explaining to her that mommy needed a shower, lunch and to study. She wouldn’t budge. The small signs of growing independence she’d been displaying all week were all but gone. It was clear. She just wanted her mommy. I somehow managed to accomplish 2 of the 3 items on my list (like my child, being clean and full makes me feel better!) before texting the hubby, asking him to head home expeditiously once he got off work. As much as my baby needed me, I needed his help to accomplish what I’d set out to do. In the meantime, I surrendered to the cries and gave into Alexandra’s every request until daddy came home to rescue me.
At last he arrived, and like my knight in shining armor he took the baby in the other room, and there was peace at last! Well, not completely, lol, but enough for me to finish what I’d set out to do hours before. Off to Bible study we went, and while still trying to shake off the “blahs”, my little one’s currently joyful disposition all but erased the earlier madness. Returning home last night was more of the same. I was the one she was looking for to give her comfort before she went to sleep. It was in my arms that she wanted to be held, and my voice that soothed her cares away. I was so bothered earlier, but as the house fell silent and the stars shone brightly outside my window, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of appreciation. As much as it may irritate me when things don’t go according to my plan, I can’t stand the thought of my baby being unhappy. Knowing that I have what it takes to wipe those tears and bring that smile out is more meaningful than what I can truly put in to words. The crazy part is, I don’t have all the answers, yet I find a way to soothe her. God is omniscient, and He not only knows everything I need, but has the means to provide all that I ask of Him! If the love I have for my daughter is but a mere glimpse of what the Lord feels toward me, I am indeed priceless in His eyes!!! Isn’t that refreshing?!
The love of our Father goes beyond the cross, thru the Resurrection, and into our innermost spirit. He wants us to cling to Him like a baby clings to her mother, and go to Him with our every request. Do you cry out to God? Do you desire to constantly be in His presence? His goodness is always enveloping us, but do you feel it? Do you know it? God is waiting, and like the ultimate parent He springs into action when we call on His name.
” Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. Sweet dreams, I love you.”
For as long as I can remember, my father would tuck me into my bed at night and whisper these words in my ear. When I was too old to be tucked in he stood in my doorway and made sure I heard this sweet expression before drifting off to dreamland. Every night he wanted to be certain I knew that his princess was on his mind before he went to sleep. In the mornings he would burst into my room like a cheesy-grinning ray of sunshine and belt out ” RISE AND SHINE AND GREET THE MORNING! RISE AND SHINE AND GREET THE MORNING!!!” I, unlike my father, am not a morning person, so I would twist up my face and feign disgust over this joyous morning display. I would get out of bed only to make him stop, lol, but deep down I knew that my mornings wouldn’t be this wonderful without his production.