I’m Angry That This Happened

I will never forget the exact moment when the process started. I was back-to-school shopping with my girls, looking for clothes for my up and coming kindergartner. In the midst of this milestone of an occasion, my heart started beating rapidly and I could no longer think straight. One quick trip to the bathroom and I was gripped with fear.

We finished shopping and made it out of the store in record timing. Once we were home I immediately locked myself in the bathroom and began to cry. That night was the worst. The cries turned into deep weeping and agonizing pain, as I begged and pleaded for an alternative explanation before the Lord. I knew that I had just experienced loss in January, but 5 years ago I had a similar scare and that child was heading to school in a matter of days. 

The praise and worship music blasted in our bedroom and the tears continued to pour out of my eyes. I tried to allow my faith to be bigger than my fear. I was determined to walk by faith and not by sight even though it seemed an impossible task as the bleeding continued. 

Over and over I said these words:

I declare that my baby is fine. I declare that my baby is fine. I declare that my baby is fine.

In Jesus’ Name.

Amen.

I held onto hope as much as I possibly could. I wavered and crumbled and picked myself up time and time again. Those 5 days were the longest. Finally it stopped. I felt a sense of relief but it didn’t last. So what did this mean? I needed confirmation.

Two negative tests and an ultrasound later, I think I heard my heart actually breaking. 

It happened again. I miscarried again. And I’m so angry about it. 

2 Positive tests (top) that would be replaced by 2 negative tests (bottom).

I’m angry that if I were to choose to partake in a glass of wine at date night, it wouldn’t matter because my womb is empty once again.

I’m angry that instead of adding to our family, I’m adding to the devastating statistics

I’m angry that this has happened again and I still can’t explain it. I can’t make earthly sense of it and I don’t have all the answers. 

That makes me angry!

I’m angry because I want to place blame on someone or something and the easiest candidate is myself. 

I’m angry because I suddenly feel old. I feel old and broken and incapable of doing what I could once do.

I’m angry at the timing. No time is a good time, but why now? Why days before the one year anniversary of my sister-in-love’s death, where emotions are already so high and the sting of grief is harsh and palpable?

I’m angry at those who say it’s God’s fault. I know He didn’t do this to me. I know that He is sovereign and that for whatever reason this is the path I am to walk. But He doesn’t set out to hurt His children and His heart is breaking too.

But I am angry that we live in such a fallen world with sickness, disease and sin and loss and heartache and despair. 

I’m angry at those who are thinking I should stop being angry and be grateful for the beautiful family I have. 

I’m angry because no one has actually said that to me, but it’s one of the many thoughts I tell myself to excuse away my pain. 

I’m angry that so many women have walked this path and it STILL isn’t talked about enough. 

I’m angry that in 8 months I’ve now lost 2 precious babies this year.

And while they are exactly where they need to be, where I’ll one day be, my selfish mama heart just wants them back. 

Tee c/o www.storyoffive.com

I’m angry about a lot, but I know God CAN handle my anger. He will help me process through the truths and the lies and I WILL be ok.

If not today. If not tomorrow. If not for a long time to come…I WILL be ok. But today I am angry. Today I am hurting. Today I am in a fog, wishing it weren’t so.

Today I am angry, but I know that weeping may endure for a night, and I will continue to trust in our Almighty Father as I await my joy to come in the morning. 

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalm 30:11-12 (NLT)

40 thoughts on “I’m Angry That This Happened

  1. All my love and prayers extend to you in this time of need; comfort; answers; healing and acceptance of His will for your life. I know His grace is sufficient and I’m so glad you know that as well. Keep holding on. Yes, your morning is coming and that promise of joy is a sure thing. I love you.

  2. My heart breaks with you. And I am angry at this fallen world too. Thankful God can take our hurt and turn it into something good in the end. Claiming that and am praying so hard for you, friend!

  3. Patty,
    I am so sorry for your loss I know it hurts.However, my Mama would always tell me “this too shall pass”. Keep the faith. Enjoy your family and remember God loves you!!!

  4. Prayers and love to you! I’m so sorry this happened again but your confidence in the Lord is admirable. I’m sure it’s incredibly hard right now and I will be praying for peace for your family ❤️❤️❤️

  5. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. When you weren’t here for Lottie’s birthday party Sunday, I was headed over to check on you and got waylaid. I know we talked about this in private messages, but until I took the time to grieve the loss of the children we lost through multiple miscarriages, I had a inner wound that wouldn’t heal. God can take your anger. He created you! I’m thankful that you are surrounded by love–His, your husband’s, your girls, sweet friends, everyone who knows you at all!!! If I can be there for you in any way…maybe keeping all our girls while you guys go on a double date w Robbie & DDana…we’re here! Mama Dean ❤️❤️

  6. Don’t lose hope friend. My mom had 12 pregnancies & 4 babies. We talk about loss a lot now thar I’ve had one. You’re right, it still isn’t talked about enough. His grace is sufficient for your anger & pain. Much love dear friend.

  7. I knew something was different when I saw you Tuesday night. But I didn’t know what to say; I still don’t. While I’ve never experienced what your going through I’m still here for you, if you ever need someone to talk to or take a day trip somewhere 😉 I’m here!

  8. You are in my prayers, you are in my thoughts and you are in my heart. I’m so incredibly sorry Patricia. Keep holding onto your incredible graceful strength ❤️

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss my sweet friend. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in prayers. You are one strong woman. Remember that.

  10. Oh Patricia, I am so so sorry for your loss and hurting heart. Your words ‘His heart is breaking too’ was such a powerful truth about our God. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  11. Patricia, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and I share in your anger. Angry that life has to be unspeakably hard at times for reasons that we cannot see. But you declared in Jesus’ name that your baby is fine, and despite the enemy’s best attacks, your baby is fine. Not in the way that you meant it, but your baby is fine. Both of your angel babies are fine. Your babies will never hurt again, never know sorrow, and are sitting in the presence of God right now. I know your heart will always be missing 2 pieces that they took to heaven with them. So allow yourself to be angry and sad and hurt, while you continue to cling onto your Heavenly Father because you still know that He has goodness planned for you. I will be praying for you and your family ❤️

  12. Patty,
    My heart breaks with you, dear sister. I know your loss. I grieve along side you. We suffered 3 losses back to back over 2.5 years. The Lord saw fit to grant us our Savannah, our first pregnancy and first baby to enjoy here on earth, my heart still longs for my other 3 children. I feel your anger for today. Christ is still seated on the throne. His love and care for you still endures. Lifting you up in prayer. Thank you for your honest words.

  13. I love that our God is big enough to handle our anger, grief, sadness, frustration, and so much more! I’m so sorry for you and your family!! This was our path 11 years ago. It still makes me sad.

  14. Your spirit through this heartbreaking time is truly inspiring, you are setting such a beautiful example of the strength women can pray and strive for. A friend of mine leads a beautiful organization about infant loss and support, The Color Blue and Hope. She is on Instagram under that name, maybe you can find some support and love through that group or even help others with their healing. Prayers for you, may you heal inside and out.

  15. I’m so sorry Patricia! I remember feeling all of these feelings each time I’ve experienced a miscarriage. It hurts and it’s horrible. My heart and prayers go out to you and hope you will receive the peace and comfort you need to process your feelings. Let me know if you need to talk. 🙂

  16. Patricia, I am so so sorry for this loss. You and Kevin must be grieving so much. I pray for you both and for your mom, Pam and for Kenny. I pray God’s comfort and peace for all of you. I have learned the hard way, the sad way that prayers are the only thing that enable us to walk the hard road. Sending you love, my dear.

  17. I’m angry for you too. I know that this is an unimaginable hurt. Psalm 91 is where I go when I feel lost and angry and unable to take on the weight of the world. Lots of love to you my friend <3

  18. This post made me tear up. Miscarriage is a very misunderstood thing. We do not know why. I agree with you that God only knows. I breathe heavy hearted with you my friend. Only His strength can pull us through. Remembering our babies that went to Heaven early. <3

  19. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your family as I read this. I agree with you that it isn’t talked about enough, and I hope that sharing your pain and anger will help others who are suffering losses of their own. I’m so glad your faith will help you through, and I pray for comfort for you and your family.

  20. Oh my sweet friend. I also am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing more to say. I so understand your pain. I am praying for you. I also agree that it is not talked about enough. When I went through mine, I wanted to know what I did and why it happened and just be mad. And it all boils down to the fact that we live in an imperfect world and we are part of it. We go through things not because God has caused them but because HE allows things and weeps with us in our pain. Though knows someday we will be reunited with our babies up in a perfect heaven. And your babies and my babies are together there!
    I pray that God blesses you with your heart’s desire and that happiness shines on your sweet little family in ways you could never imagine.
    Love you my friend!
    https://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com/2017/06/04/7419/

  21. Oh honey. I’m just crying while reading your post. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings and honestly on this subject. I have a fully ready to go blog post about my miscarriage feelings and I have not been brave enough to publish it. I know that God has a plan for you and you’re beautiful family and this child you are waiting for will rock this world! Great post!

    XOXO
    Your Redlocks and Shamrocks Girl,
    Lisa Doyle

    http://www.redlocksandshamrocks.com

  22. Oh mama, I’m angry and devastated right along with you. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there… the anger, the not wanting to start over again but desperately wanting my womb filled with life. All of it. Praying for you, for your heart to heal, for peace that passes understanding, for love to cover you. XOXOXO

  23. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sending you a big bear hug. I’ve been there with the miscarriages too. It never gets easier, but God has a plan. You are such a beautiful awesome momma. I get so much inspiration from you!! I agree this topic isn’t talked about enough. Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us.
    Angela

  24. Praying for the you during this time. Take all the time you need to grieve and heal. The Lord understands, cares for you, and IS with you through it all.

    Thank you for your courage in sharing!

  25. This is such a sad story but yet beautiful at the same time I’m just glad you still believe …and that you know it’s a purpose for everything

  26. Oh Patty, I have tears streaming down my face as I have read this. I am praying for you so hard. You are amazing, strong, and beautiful. God will do amazing things.

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