Motherhood to me is one of the most important and fulfilling aspects of my life. I mother with my whole heart and fiercely try to remember the gifts that have been placed in my life.
Our journey into motherhood was not the easiest, yet, without making light of what we went through, I now understand why all the events needed to fall the way they did. It has given me a stronger purpose to be their mom.
After months of trying, and finally getting pregnant, our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
I knew it the day it happened. Something just wasn’t right. Frantically Googling all the symptoms, I knew it was inevitable.
I called my doctor, and on the anniversary of my husband’s and I first date, I passed the baby later that night in our home.
It was emotional.
It was intense.
It was one of the most challenging nights of my life.
Our next pregnancy was rather rare.
After 9 weeks of feeling miserable, I learned from the ultrasound that our baby was not actually a baby. In fact, it was a ball of cells and I experienced something which was called a molar pregnancy.
This happens in 1 out of every 1,000 pregnancies. Your body acts like it is pregnant and cells multiply. Your HCG levels rise so, like a pregnancy, blood tests will confirm positive. There is no baby. There never was. It was always cells multiplying. The result of a molar pregnancy?
Wait 9 months to a year for your body and hormone levels to get back to normal.
So we waited.
During that wait, we compiled a list of things we would be able to do without the responsibility of being parents. We traveled a little, skydived, and spent some time thinking of what was to come.
Would I ever experience motherhood? That question began to haunt me.
At church I received a take home card called ‘The Waiting Game’. This gave me hope as I prayed for God to place everything as it should be.
And I waited.
Fast forward, and we were officially pregnant with our first child.
After the first couple of months of our son’s life, we discovered that he had a peanut allergy. At first this allergy seemed simple. Keep him away from peanuts, right? That should be easy enough…
However, as he grew older we learned all the other aspects of having a food allergy; the danger of cross contamination, replying no to birthday parties just in case he puts something in his mouth, and of course scanning the playground as if I lost my keys for fear of a piece of candy or cracker laying on the ground.
The fear that one wrong bite can take away his life.
With this, I have learned to trust God, and take motherhood on with all my heart.
And so I do.
I stopped working to spend time at home with my now two boys. These two boys that I was so unsure I would be able to have, yet tried to trust that God had a plan. I am beyond blessed to be expecting my third son to join his brothers along our journey.
I began a website, Days With Grey, to hold me accountable to work with my boys and share ideas that I have learned with other moms.
We do not schedule much.
We laugh (and cry).
I remind myself that this time meaningful.
Does this mean motherhood is easy?
That my children are perfect and never drive me crazy? That I never need a break? That I don’t spend money on a babysitter once a week to get out of the house? That I don’t crave the day that I get to drop them off with my parents to do some things done for myself?
Motherhood is exhausting.
But what motherhood means to me is that every time I trip over a train track, every time I come into the kitchen to an experimental challenge of “just how much water” they can pour onto the floor, and every time I am awaken up at 2 AM just to give my youngest a high five, (yes, this actually happens), I try to remember that one day, I will be begging to have them little again.
These little moments. These little moments that are so big to me.
This is motherhood.
This is my motherhood.
And I want to remember it in all its glory.
In 2001, Beth began teaching. Beth loved being an educator. Now that she’s a parent, she loves being a mom. Beth thrives on staying motivated and is confident her experience with education can inspire. Her goal is to help us all (including herself) find the balance between preschool education, and keeping preschoolers busy. Because we all know, mom needs a minute too! Join her as she merges motherhood with preschool education at Days with Grey, and get inspired by her ideas on Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook!
If you’ve been loving this series, check out the rest under ‘Guest Posts’!