Miscarried Away

*To my precious pregnant friends, or anyone else for whom miscarriage is a trigger, please refrain from reading this post if you have any inkling that it will upset you. I appreciate your love and support, and regardless of what I’m going through know that I rejoice with you.* 

Inevitable Miscarriage

As I signed my name at the bottom of the discharge paper, my eyes fixed on those two words. I held myself together long enough to make it to the doors, but as soon as the wind hit my face the tears came hard and heavy.

I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t process a thing.

I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.

It wasn’t a dream. It was my harsh, cruel, and excruciatingly painful reality. 

We had lost our baby and my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

Just a few weeks ago, our exciting news brought joy and celebration to our immediate family. We told them on Christmas Day, and I couldn’t think of a more perfect gift.

This was an answered prayer, and we were ecstatic! We would have been overjoyed at any time, but the timing of this precious baby seemed extra special in light of the challenging year we had.

On January 1st everything changed. 

I met the first day of the new year with some unsettling concerns. I’d experienced these symptoms before and things turned out fine, but I couldn’t quite shake the anxious feelings. 

I prayed with my husband and every day we confessed life and health and healing over my womb.

I fought hard against destructive thoughts and the enemy’s attacks against my mind, and pleaded with the Lord to make the bleeding and cramping stop. 

I refused to live in fear. I refused to live in fear! 

Everything would be ok, and I would walk by faith and not by sight.

Everything would be ok…until it wasn’t.

I laid there in shock as the ultrasound revealed a void. Nothing but a faint impression of an abnormally shaped sac, appearing to exit my body.

My mind was racing thinking about my baby. We were almost at 8 weeks. We were supposed to see that heart beat, get our picture, and rejoice. I was supposed to be sharing our good news.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

What had I done wrong?

Boom.

It took no time for those lies to run rampant in my mind. What if this and what if that? I knew better but I wanted an explanation. I wanted someone to blame. I was as good a choice as any and ‘it just happens sometimes’ wasn’t going to cut it. 

I wanted to know why this happened to me. Not that I’m anyone special.  I’m simply a mom who, sometime in August, wanted to meet my baby. Was that really too much to ask? Was I being unreasonable here God?

Maybe I was. Maybe I was being completely selfish knowing how blessed I am with my two little girls at home.

Dresses c/o Princess Awesome

I’m saddened knowing that there are so many women whose experiences are more traumatic and further along. But we’re not in competition with each other! We have all loved and lost.  And this, this is significant to me!

This baby mattered in his or her 6-7 weeks of life. I was already changed and already loving this little one with every fiber of my being.

I already started jotting down names, and thinking of fun pregnancy announcements. I knew we’d choose to wait on the gender and the suspense would be so worth it! 

I wondered who he would look like. What would be the texture of her hair? How would his big sisters react? I couldn’t wait to hold this beloved child in my arms.

Instead I went home empty and broken, nauseous from the medication and with a migraine that knocked me off my feet. I wasn’t able to stomach any food, and I cried so intensely in the shower that I couldn’t tell the difference between the water coming from the shower head and the tears streaming down my face. 

I couldn’t bring myself to remove my hand from my stomach. 

I wanted my baby back, and there was nothing I could do.

Help me to understand. 

God, I don’t blame you even though the thought crossed my mind. I know you can handle that, but I’m certain you know that I always come around. Still, I don’t get it. I can’t see the big picture. Help me to understand your plan

I’ll never stop loving you or trusting you or believing that you are as real as the air I breathe. But why? I know that my vision is so limited and my sight is so narrow, so please strengthen me to trust you that much more.

Strengthen me because I’m tired.

Strengthen me because I’m weak.

Strengthen me because I’m grieving and mourning this loss.

Strengthen me because I’m having a hard time being restored by your hope.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. – Romans 8:28 NLT

Strengthen me because I am in pain, and I want to find comfort in your peace.

Strengthen me because I am missing a part of me and I can’t go through this alone.

Strengthen me in a way that only you can, and surround me, dear Father, with your everlasting love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

62 thoughts on “Miscarried Away

  1. Oh Patty I’m so sorry. The pain is unbelievable. In such a short amount of time you grow to love this little thing inside of you and the plans start coming before you know it. I can’t begin to tell you the guilt and hurt I felt and but there was nothing I did wrong. It just wasn’t meant to be at that time. I hope you find peace friend ❤

    1. Thank you Kim. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this pain as well, but I sincerely appreciate your support.

      Blessings,
      Patricia

  2. My sweet friend there are a million things I want to say, but none of the words feel right. My heart hurts for you in a big, big way. You are strong and amazing and I am so sorry for your loss. God is with you, you just keep telling Him how you feel and He will get you through this.
    ❤ Nicole

  3. Oh, Patricia … I am so sorry!! I am praying for you, Kevin, your girls and your folks. It has been an incredible few months of tremendous losses. So sad that yours has been added to them.

  4. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve traveled that road, and it’s painful and heartbreaking. I’m praying for your strength, peace, and comfort through this.

    “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
    ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

  5. What a beautiful post! I have been there myself–and I don’t say that as a way to lessen your pain, but to let you know I have thought all the same thoughts as you. So although we all experience things differently and we all carry pain and sorrow in various ways, I have walked that heartbroken road too. All the planning you’ve already done! The plans you’ve already made! The bond you’ve already felt! I think losing all that in an instant is the definition of heartbreak.

    1. You said that perfectly Justine. I love your heart and while I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this pain as well but there is a sense of comfort knowing you’re not alone.

      Blessings to you,
      Patricia

  6. Patricia, I have not walked the terrible road of miscarriage so I know nothing I can say will make it better. But I want you to know I am praying for you and your family. My heart is hurting for you.

  7. You have thee most beautiful heart, Patricia. I cannot imagine the pain you have endured but I will continue to pray that God gives you and your family strength and peace.
    I have to share with you while I was reading this, I thought of the song by Hilary Scott “Thy Will Be Done.” She wrote it after experiencing a miscarriage herself and absolutely blessed me.
    Sending you the biggest hug, my friend.

    1. Thank you Amy. You know I instantly fell in love with that song but it wasn’t until recently that I learned the meaning behind it. I heard it on the radio this week and it’s a beautiful reminder of our sovereign God. Thank you for your prayers.

      Blessings and love,
      Patty

  8. Patricia…I know there are no words to comfort such loss, but know you are in my and so many others thoughts & hearts. What a beautifully written post. Through pain & sadness your heart is still so graceful and strong. Sending all my love sweet girl. ❤️

    1. Thank you for all your love and support Susan. I’ve certainly uncovered a gem in you and I’m so thankful for your friendship!!

      Blessings to you,
      Patricia

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