What Motherhood Means To…Hannah

Hey there! I’m Hannah, wife of 8 years to Jonathan and mom of two boys named Evan and Porter. Yes, I proudly wear the “boy mom” label. Something I never would have imagined. I grew up with a sister, took dance classes, loved makeup and dress up and Barbies. I had no real knowledge of little boys or what that entailed.

Needless to say I have learned quickly.

{A version of this post originally appeared on Lugimom Blog.}

Before my husband and I decided to have kids I knew I only wanted two. I come from a family of two, so it just made sense to me. Two parents, two hands, two kids. No brainer. Jonathan was leaning towards three since he comes from a family of three siblings! I guess you want what you’re used to.

I was not shocked when we sat in the ultrasound room and the tech told us that our first little baby was a boy. I would have been shocked if she had said otherwise. Call it mother’s intuition.

Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl

Fast forward a couple of years later and we decide it’s time for baby number two. At that point we both agreed that two would be plenty. We’d been through the sleepless newborn nights, and were in the throws of toddler tantrums. Why would we want to put ourselves through that over and over and over? That would be insanity! So I went into my second pregnancy knowing it would be my last.

And knowing surely this would be a baby girl. I’ve always pictured a baby girl. Dance recitals, mother daughter bonding, weekends away together when she grows up, planning her wedding, etc. etc. I imagine yOU mamas of girls know what I’m talking about!

We planned out the gender reveal party and invited all of our friends and family over. We excitedly left our ultrasound appointment with the sealed envelope in hand. I passed it over to the worker at the balloon counter at the party store, just knowing I’d be back to pick up the box of pink balloons in a few hours.

Fast forward to us opening that box in front of all of our people. Before the box was opened, I saw the balloons float up to the top.

Blue.

Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl

What?

I was shocked. Legitimately. And I was in front of a group of people and on video. So my look of shock had to quickly be replaced with the look of excitement.

Let me try to process the feelings I had out loud.

I was not disappointed to be having another boy. I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be having a little girl. Does that make sense?

I felt this huge weight crashing down on me. That I wasn’t cut out to be a mom of boys. That I would be a lame mom. That Jonathan and the boys would only want to do stuff that I didn’t want to do and I would be left by myself.

Y’all, how crazy is that?? And how untrue. It took me about a week or two, but I slowly started to realize all of the feelings I was having were straight up LIES.

The enemy seeks to kill, steal, and destroy.” This was so apparent now. Instead of relishing in the joy of the fact that we were adding another precious boy to our family, I was plagued by the feeling that I wouldn’t be enough.

And that’s just simply not true. God knows what He’s doing. He gave me my children on purpose. He chose me to be their mother. The mother of boys. Clearly He thinks I’m cut out for it. And if God thinks that, then I think I’ll be okay.

Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl

So let me back track to the part where we also KNEW this pregnancy would be my last. After Porter was born I gave away all my maternity clothes. As he outgrew his newborn and baby things, I passed them on to other new mamas. Before we moved into our new house last year, we had a garage sale. I sold the infant car seat. I sold the bouncer and the swing, the diaper bag, the bottles. Everything. With zero remorse.

Then Porter turned two. And Jonathan brought up that maybe he would want another one. And I was like, “hell no”. Then my wheels started spinning, and I started thinking about it. I was so mad at myself every time I felt myself considering having another baby. I said I was done, ok God??

So I finally told Jonathan I was thinking about it, and he was like “Nah.” The feelings he had about another one had apparently passed.

So that’s where we have been the past year. Back and forth about whether we should or shouldn’t, but never on the same page at the same time.

Things are honestly starting to get simpler in our home now that the boys are getting a little older. We are out of the baby phase for the most part with a 2.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. They can go play by themselves in their rooms or outside without me hovering. They can get themselves in and out of car seats. Evan can get himself dressed (amazing). They can get their own drinks from the fridge and snacks from the pantry. There aren’t set in stone eating and sleeping schedules. We can go with the flow a little more. Why would we want to mess that up?

Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl

But then I picture 10, 15, 20 years down the road, and I want there to be more people around my table. Two kids just seems like so few. I guess I can blame it on the show “Parenthood” and all of their family dinners. I love the idea of my children being adults and still wanting to come to dinner at my house.

But another baby? I just don’t know.

Do I want to gain 40 (plus) pounds again? Do I want to give birth again? (seriously I can feel all my lady parts clench up at the thought). Do I want to give up months of sleepless nights again? Be tied down to a schedule, to bottles, to leaky boobs, to baby proofing….the list of cons is long and real.

But a baby…that’s one big “pro” that pretty much trumps any “con”.

So we waited. And we prayed that the answer would be clear to BOTH of us at the SAME time (that would be really helpful, ok God?!).

And finally, it was. Literally one day we both looked at each other, and Jonathan said “should we do this?” And I said, “yes.”

The fifth member of our little tribe will be here sometime around the end of January, and we couldn’t be more excited. Sometimes terrified, but mostly excited.

I will continue to fight off the lies of not being “mom enough” for more than two kids. That I won’t be able to handle another little boy. Or that because I’m now a “boy mom” I won’t know what to do with a baby girl. I won’t let lies make my decisions for me or steal my joy. I will rest firmly in the truth that God knows what He’s doing and that His timing is good. And that I am enough.

Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl
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Photo courtesy of Hannah Lugibihl

I’m Hannah! I’m a full time stay-at-home-mom and a part time portrait photographer and painter! I can’t make it through the day without Jesus, coffee and a green smoothie. And peanut butter. I watch too much TV and I love reading in all of my non-existent spare time. My days are filled with temper tantrums, asking people if they need to go potty repeatedly, stepping on legos, and lots of hugs and kisses. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Follow along as I prepare to welcome baby number three at Lugimom Blog, Instagram and Facebook!

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46 thoughts on “What Motherhood Means To…Hannah

  1. I can totally relate to her thoughts and feelings about having a second boy! Thank you for sharing your heart and perspective!!

  2. Hannah’s thoughts are quite similar to mine. I knew my first pregnancy I was having a boy and I couldn’t have been happier, but I always imagined that my second child would be a girl. I myself, growing up obsessed with barbie dolls and Disney princesses, I couldn’t wait to have a little girl. Well, my second pregnancy I was convicted I was having a girl and before I could even make it to my first ultrasound, I had a miscarriage. I managed to convict myself that I’m not suited to have a girl and I was sad for months and months. Only recently have I started to heal mentally and emotionally from it. Now, if I were to be pregnant again, boy or girl,I’d be over the moon.

  3. Oh I can so relate to this. I’m pregnant now and because I already have a daughter would like a boy, but at the same time really prefer a daughter in some ways. I’ll be fine with whichever, but it sure is an adjustment.

  4. I had similar feelings when I found out my second was a boy, but that boy has stolen my heart in about a million ways. I cannot imagine life without him…and I did end up getting a girl the third go around! Love my children so much, their quirks and differences and ALL!

  5. I always said it didn’t matter so long as the baby was healthy but deep down I always wanted a girl. And that is what I got. WIth the secondI thought for sure it would be a boy but we got another girl and it’s my perfect. 🙂

  6. My aunt went through this same scenario. Its a tough one on the mama heart and so hard for others to understand without judging or misinterpreting your feelings. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post!

  7. Congratulations on your little one to come! I always thought I’d have a third child (and that it would be a girl, and we’d name her Ruby) but it wasn’t meant to be. You’ve got this , Patricia. I just know it.

    1. My husband and I found out by ourselves after our ultrasound appointment! We just opened up the envelope when we got in the truck haha. Per my 4 year old’s request we got a black balloon filled with confetti for him to pop to reveal the gender. The boys are very excited about another brother!

  8. I remember feeling the same way about having two children. I told EVERYBODY I am not having anymore children. Two is plenty! Haha! God had different plans and changed my heart. So we had baby #3 and then my husband and I just knew we wanted #4, too. So now we’re at 4 children. I miscarried baby #5 early August. We’re praying for God’s timing and will for another chance. I wish the very best for Hannah! She is incredibly blessed to have a third baby. Hannah is right: 10, 15, 20 years from now you will be SO happy you have a big family. It is the most joyous feeling in the world!

    1. Wow, Jennifer, thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss and praying for your family to grow as you desire! We would love another baby as well!

  9. I love this! I have two little girls right now and we go back and forth on having a third, I love the newborn phase so much that it is hard to admit that there may not be another one, time goes so fast!

  10. Oh, I loved this so much! I often go back and forth about having a third baby (my youngest is only 8 months right now). As much as I’m ready for life to get easier and out of the baby stage, another baby would be wonderful too. I think the sleep deprivation is the worst part. I’m so glad that you were able to take the leap and figure out that a third baby was perfect for your family!

  11. Loved reading this. I had baby number three back in April, so I have a boy, a girl, and now another boy. Like you, I 100% knew our first was a boy. I thought for sure our 2nd was a boy, and that our third was a girl, and I was wrong both times. I think we will end up having four… and at this point I have given up on guessing or feeling partial towards one gender or another!

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