First let me begin by apologizing for the long hiatus I took from writing. Let’s just say my mind was elsewhere for the last 10 months, 😉 but never did I forget about you. In fact, I would record notes and ideas of topics and plan the “right” time to sit down and type, but taking that next step proved to be more challenging than I thought. I never knew where to start, so I didn’t do anything at all. I’ve since realized that even with uncertainty it’s better to begin and trust that the words will come, so here I go!…
Today was the day I’d been looking forward to. I was going to return to the land of the mall and purchase some new outfits that didn’t say Motherhood Maternity on the label. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some hesitation as I gripped my purse and walked thru the doors of Forever 21, but I’d set realistic expectations and told myself that even if I only found a couple of items that didn’t cling to my post-baby body it would be a success. I was bound and determined to channel my inner Stacy London and buy clothes that fit me now and celebrate my current body with flattering pieces. I would be valiant and triumphant and ooze confidence while reciting “take that baby belly” over and over again in my head. I would not be discouraged and if I didn’t find anything at this store, hey, there’s a dozen more I could try right? WRONG. I was so very, very wrong. I took my time and perused aisle after aisle, carefully selecting items that looked promising. On the hanger I saw flowy, camouflaging, functional and pretty pieces. In the dressing room I saw too tight, clingy, more tight and oh yeah, tight. I practically sweat my hair out as dress after dress and top after top went on and off my body. As I approached the dozen mark and still nothing that would remotely work I’d had enough. What I should’ve thought at that point was “It’s ok Patty, shake it off. You may not recognize this version of yourself in the mirror but you’re a gorgeous woman and proud mommy, with nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t give up! There are more stores to conquer and there’s bound to be something on the rack just for you!! ” Instead I handed the attendant my pile of clothes, walked to an empty corner and vigorously waved my hands in front of my face in an effort to hold back the tears. In those watery eyes was the frustration of knowing that in my entire wardrobe I only had leggings, ill-fitting maternity jeans, 3 dresses and 4 tops (most of which are maternity items) that “fit” the current me. Forgetting my rock solid determination to press forward and continue my journey elsewhere I reluctantly went to the cashier and purchased the hat I’d been holding. That’s right. I left the store with a hat, being thankful that at least the circumference of my head hadn’t changed. I couldn’t get home fast enough.
Despite my husband’s encouraging words, and the fact that I honestly felt lovely today, I was disheartened. I felt doomed to have my limited options on repeat for months to come (which really isn’t so bad, right??). I knew this would be a process and I completely acknowledge that I’m barely 6 weeks in, but how do I muster up the strength to try again? When I got home I stared and stared at my baby girl and then it clicked. I must be strong for her so when she gets older she’ll never doubt that she is a beautiful child of God. I will try again so she will have confidence enough to hold her head high and let her inner beauty shine with her outer radiance no matter the circumstance. And lastly, I will get back on that horse and prep for round two because in the midst of it all I can’t forget that I AM WORTH IT.
Be blessed my sisters and don’t let your own minds play tricks on you. Know that you are worth it too!!